Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween! I love this holiday, not least because of all the adorable little kids in their tiny costumes. It brings back wonderful childhood memories of carving pumpkins, making costumes, and trick-or-treating with the other neighborhood kids!

Like all holidays right now, though, this one is tinged with a little sadness. My husband and I strolled together through our neighborhood, watching the families escorting their little ones door-to-door, and I felt the absence with a pang. This time next year, will we have our own little trick or treater to dress up? Will we ever?

It’s the uncertainty that’s so hard. What if we never get pregnant?

Nonetheless, it was a fun day. We tried out a new restaurant for lunch and took our dogs (in their own weird little costumes) out on the town. We laughed about the funny costumes we saw and I thought about the traditions I want to share with our kids someday. My husband’s family wasn’t big on American holiday traditions growing up (to be fair, they were immigrants to this country and brought with them their own traditions from their home country) so he’s never quite as excited as I am about things like Halloween, Christmas, Easter, or the Fourth of July. One more reason I can’t wait to have little kids – they’ll be psyched right along with me! 🙂

On Monday morning I have my baseline ultrasound appointment to see if my ovaries have been sufficiently tamed by the effects of the birth control pills I’ve been taking for the last two weeks. If they’re nice and quiet I’ll go off them that day, then get my period before starting stims on the 7th. Though, to be honest, I don’t know how I’ll tell when I get my period… between the bleeding from the hysteroscopy and the spotting from the birth control pills I feel like I’ve had my period for weeks already!

The only things left to sort out at this point are my meds (which hopefully will arrive on time from Freedom Fertility) and the mountain of consent paperwork for IVF. The nurse gave all of the forms to us last week so we could look them over before signing them with the doctor on Monday. There’s the basic stuff – consenting to the procedure, understanding the risks, etc. – and there’s also some harder stuff, like what we plan to do with embryos we don’t use and how any frozen embryos should be treated if one of us dies.

We’ve talked about some of this already, but they’re still tough conversations. So far, we know we want to donate any nonviable embryonic tissue to research. Any viable embryos we don’t use would be frozen for future use, since we know we want more kids in a few years, and will likely use IVF and/or a gestational surrogate to have them. We still have to decide what should happen to any stored embryos in the case of divorce or death. If one of us dies, I would like the surviving partner to have the option to use the embryos. If we both die, we would likely have the embryos donated for adoption or research. If we divorce I think I would like for us to still have the option to use the embryos – particularly if we already have a child for whom these would be his or her potential siblings – but there would be a lot of factors to consider.

My husband has basically said he will agree with whatever I think is best in terms of setting out agreements for now. Of course, it’s all dependent on our actually having enough embryos to freeze some – and I really hope we do!

I’ll update again after Monday’s appointment. Don’t eat too much Halloween candy this weekend!

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