Tonight when I got home I noticed a bit of brown discharge – kind of like the discharge I get at the very end of my period. Ordinarily I never get spotting so it surprised me. In fact, the only time I’ve ever gotten spotting was last cycle, the day after I got my negative test and stopped my progesterone – and then I got my period the next day.
So when I saw this spotting my heart sank a bit. It seems very few women get implantation spotting so I strongly suspected it was either some sort of mild cervical scrape from putting in the Endometrin progesterone suppositories, or it was the Endometrin not working correctly, meaning it could be breakthrough spotting before getting a period.
My husband, however, was excited. I never get spotting mid-cycle, and at 11DPIUI I’m definitely in the window for implantation. I’ve also been feeling kind of crampy over the last few days – which can be a sign of implantation.
According to the First Response tests I had on hand we don’t have to wait for first-morning urine, so he was really (gently) pushing for me to test tonight. I had mixed emotions about it. According to the package, the tests are 99% accurate at 3 days prior to my expected period, so whatever it said would likely be the final answer – and I didn’t feel ready.
Ultimately, though, my curiosity got the better of me and I took it. My husband, outside the bathroom, was asking for status updates about every thirty seconds. I could tell he was trying to hold back but I could hear the excitement in his voice.
The part that really broke my heart was telling my husband. This was the first time I’ve seen him get really, actually excited about this – and ultimately it was a false alarm.
I know it’s not the final final answer. I’ll still go for the beta test on Thursday. But I wish this cycle was just over. Taking the prenatal vitamins and using the Endometrin just feels stupid and wasteful now – nourishing something that isn’t even there.
Even though we’ve got our plans for IVF next cycle all set, and we thought this cycle was probably a dud, it still hurts. Even though I don’t want it to, over the last week my brain has played and replayed the scenario of getting that “Yes!” phone call from the nurse, of celebrating with my husband and taking a big handful of home tests just to see a second line. We were all set to go to IVF, and then it just happened, we’d tell our families. But that’s not the way it’s going to go.
Tomorrow I’ll feel better. I’ll feel hopeful about IVF next cycle, and that hope will help erode the fear I have about the injections and invasive procedures to come. But tonight I just feel sad and worn-down.